I imagine that, like me, you often are under the pressure of the feeling that there is not enough time for everything that needs to be done. This usually involves practical things – getting a window painted, getting the garden fixed up, making plans for a trip, making sure I don’t run out of household supplies, etc., etc.
But when I step back a bit and consider what I think of as “my life”, there is a different sort of feeling that time is running out for me. Do you know what I mean? It’s almost a feeling that life is slipping very quickly through my fingers. I don’t feel like this all the time. There are many moments that are full and joyful, not concerned with the future. But right now I’m bringing up this feeling that time is running out in order to enter into it a little and wonder about it.
Time is running out for us! What does this statement bring up for you?
One reason I’ve thought of this is that, as we get ready for our annual retreat, I’m in touch with people who have been talking with me about coming to retreat for five, ten, or more years, and have not been able to get to retreat during that time. Wow. Ten years. At the age of most of us, that’s a long time. A long time of feeling that I have plenty of time left to take care of things later. Plenty of time in the future to devote a handful of days to the inner things that so much need attention in me and to being at peace with the outer world, which usually seems so impossible.
It seems true to me that we do all have a very heavy backlog of unprocessed past experiences, difficulties, traumas, fears, longings. And around all of that there seems to be a powerful defense system that doesn’t really want any of these things to be touched. It’s as though we have learned to live in a world defined by these things. And a big part of the defense system, for me, is the thought that I have plenty of time to deal with issues in the future.
If time is running out, if time in fact has already run out, then the need for me to face the inner challenges, to meet them directly right now, to let them open up in me and reveal themselves – then that need is very clear and urgent and present. It needs to happen now. It can’t be put off. To me, these inner challenges, when they are put off till the future, become even heavier and more difficult. And the heavier our burden of unfinished business, the more difficult it is to mobilize ourselves to meet them directly and begin to heal. In other words the longer we put off healing, the harder it becomes to start the healing process.
Retreat is the time and setting where we help each other create a space where healing becomes easier. And the more healing happens, the easier it is for healing to continue.
The time leading up to retreat is the time for reflecting on how much I’ve been putting off till off to the future so much of my unfinished, internal stuff. It’s the time for summoning up the energy to set aside time for the healing process. Maybe this requires reaching out to others for help doing this. Maybe it means noticing the resistance to stepping out of one’s routine. We only have one retreat here a year. When thinking about going to retreat starts to feel anxiety-producing, it’s very easy to think of putting it off till next year. But maybe together we can try something different. Maybe we can talk together about what it takes to step into healing – despite all the fears and concerns and resistance. This is something that we do together.
If there were no future – if your time was to run out tomorrow – what would that bring up in you? Do you feel the huge amount of unfinished concerns, feelings, maybe blankness? That’s the stuff that wants the time and space to open up and be heard and felt. And perhaps, finally, healed and finished, while we’re still alive and have the strength to heal.